Girlfriend refuses to visit boyfriend's family on Christmas after he fails to plan ahead for the 3rd year in the row: 'We are spending the most important day, Christmas Eve with his family. It was all my decision."

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Dec 25, 2024 1:00 PM EST

Planning visits around the holidays requires so much communication. If you know that your husband's family won't tell you about their plans until the last minute, it's essential to prioritize asking them first so you don't miss out on the festivities. If your wife's family tries to hog every second of all of the national holidays on the calendar, it's important to put your foot down and tell them that you need to visit your family, too. Every family and set of inlaws is different and has different expectations of young couples, so it's essential to not only consider said expectations but also consider what they might need to compromise on to ensure that you and your partner are happy. The couple in this story did nothing of the sort. While the girlfriend decided to plan everything because her boyfriend never planned anything, she didn't tell him or his family their plans, leading to a complete communication disaster. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10446375424
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA? I refused to visit his family on Christmas.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 03
    I (27F) am yet another year responsible for all the planning and gifting during Christmas.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 04
    My fiancé's family thinks that we treat visits to my family as more important, which is not true. We visit them much more often, that's true, but that's because they invite us to events in big advance.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 05
    That's something that my fiancé's family never does. They just assume we will show up on our own. We've explained many times that we won't, because we already don't have much of free time, so if they want to see us, they just have to invite us and we can plan it then.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 06
    Anyway, my fiancé (26M) did not put any effort info planning visits or any gifts on Christmas since we met 3 years ago, so last year I made it extremely clear: next year I will make plans on my own for us, if you want to take part in it you can, but if you won't, then I'll assume you're ok with anything I planned. He was ok with it.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 07
    This year I did not get any invitation from his family nor him, not a single word about organizing anything. I knew I could ignore them completely based on our last year arrangement, but I knew it wouldn't be fair. I called and invited us to their Christmas Eve, which they assumed we will show up for anyway.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 08
    But the rest od the days - I planned all with my family and relatives. Today (23.12) he informed me that we are invited to his family living 2 hours drive away on 25.12. I said no, we have plans.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 09
    He got really mad and said that it's not fair that my family gets 3 visits and his family only one. I reminded him about our talk last year, but he said I should confirm my plans with him anyway.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 10
    I told him that he could have asked and I'm not going anywhere. He can go himself but It will NOT sit well with me and there will be consequences for our relationship. AITA?
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 11
    Edit: To clarify: 1. It's not about families. It's about my fiancé - he was supposed to make an effort to at least call his family or start any conversation, so i could have details and could plan visits evenly. He did not, and then got mad when I made plans based on what I know.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 12
    2. I am the AH for not starting the conversation. I was disappointed with how it went last year, that's why I've taken his declaration he'll be fine with what I decide if he does not show interest. I wanted to make a point if you aren't invested, consequences are on you.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 13
    3. We are spending the most important day, Christmas Eve with his family. It was all my decision. The rest of the days are planned with my family; it's only a couple of hours a day. It's not like every second is planned. I just won't go on 4h ride both ways to see his cousins now that plans are already made.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 14
    4. It's not that my family sends formal invitations. They call and say "hey, wanted to know what are the plans...... we are meeting there and there, what do you think ". His family doesn't contact us at all, it's more like his sister calls if she can come with us and we are like "but where?".
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 15
    Due_Cup2867 Nta. My dad was this way. Not want to be involved in any planning of anything but would get annoyed that things weren't planned that he wanted. Let him go to his parents. Don't bother going Xmas eve. Maybe think about whether you're happy in the relationship
    via u/Due_Cup2867
  • 16
    InedibleCalamari42 Your last line might be the most important. In looking at his behavior she is looking at her future if they get married. Will he ever learn to participate in planning things together? At this point it doesn't seem important to him.
    via u/InedibleCalamari42
  • 17
    Test Traditional00001 And honestly, it's not the kind of thing that's going to get easier as years go by and if they should have kids. Because then there's going to be EVEN more things to try and plan around, more people wanting to see the grandkids and more hurt feelings when they inevitably don't t, and more ammo to be used against OP in family arguments (you never come to visit, you never let me see XYZ why do you keep them from us, why won't you let X side/relative visit with XYZ more??? etc
    via u/TestTraditional00001
  • 18
    FrankieLovie babe why do you want to marry a man like this
    via u/FrankieLovie
  • 19
    Morbid BurnOut NTA. Both he and his family have been given multiple chances to make efforts to see one another. Clearly, he's not as close to his family as he'd like to be. They were informed and decided to ignore the warning.
    via u/MorbidBurnOut
  • 20
    malinowysorbecik OP I'm trying to clarify it's not about families, it's about my fiancé who did nothing yet has problems with me working with what I got.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 21
    nolaz He wants to make all the decisions while you do all the work. If this isn't the life you want, get out now.
    via u/nolaz
  • 22
    MorbidBurnOut In that case, still NTA and make sure his family knows that he failed to plan anytime to go see them.
    via u/MorbidBurnOut
  • 23
    15021993 ESH It seems like you made plans and didn't inform him? You decided you're spending the days at your fam without telling him?
    via u/15021993
  • 24
    I'm confused - you both lack communication skills. His family is different to yours, yours plans and send invites while his assumed you'll come because...yk... you're family. It's different family dynamics. So your boyfriends ks the most, followed by you.
    via u/15021993
  • 25
    Local_Initiative8523 Yeah, this "I said no, we have plans" - what does that mean exactly? Because it sure looks like after complaining that his family doesn't communicate plans, she made plans with her family and didn't bother to communicate them to her significant other - she's just as bad as they are!
    via u/Local_Initiative8523
  • 26
    If it means "we have plans which have already been communicated to you and you agreed, but have obviously forgotten" that's wildly different from "I made plans but didn't bother to tell you because you might have objected and now it's too late"...
    via u/Local_Initiative8523
  • 27
    malinowysorbecik OP I did not specify what plans exactly did i make, but i did tell him I'm making ones. He was fine with it. I was waiting for any suggestions from his side, which could change the plans, but there were none. They appeared today, which is way too late to change things.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 28
    He should have asked what the plans were if he was interested, and if he wouldn't be ok with them, they could be changed. He did not do that. I did not tell him any details on purpose, because of lack of interest and everything being thrown at me years prior. This way I hope that from now on, he will make sure to make plans with me.
    via u/malinowysorbecik
  • 29
    I knew there will be invitations last minute, that's why I made it clear last year they will not be taken into consideration. He gave me full autonomy on deciding and showed no interest. Only today I was informed we are invited and he wants to go, so he ignored our arrangement.
    via u/malinowysorbecik

  • He should've asked earlier, but she's also being petty. 

  • 30
    allyearswift Just break up with him already. This is tedious.
    via u/allyearswift
  • 31
    DaleCoopers Wife lol this relationship sounds miserable.
    via u/DaleCoopersWife

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boyfriend christmas relationship advice family drama relationship poor planning relationship-drama relationships girlfriend family planning toxic relationship christmas eve
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